I am just about in tears...
Some days, I really do wish I could clone myself.
I know, everyone wishes that sometimes, but lately, it's becoming a constant wish for me... I think that speaks volumes about my life right now and how out-of-control it has become.
I keep hearing Pastor Dino's many warnings against "busy-ness" and Pastor Mike Haman's reminder that God is not impressed with how much we do, and yet, I seem almost powerless to stop it.
Without hurting people, I mean.
People say, "Just learn to say, 'No!'" ...as long as it's not to them.
When I TRY to get control of the chaos -- put my family first, take care of my health, work on the book God has given me to write -- I have to say NO to people I love.
I have had to say no a lot lately.
I just can't keep going at the pace I have been.
I have friends like Carole Turner who seem like Energizer bunnies who can go and go and go. I am constantly in awe of all that she does. I start to feel guilty because I am not giving and doing as much as she does, but the truth is, I just was not designed that way. That's not who I am.
Sometimes, I think, if I ask for some time "off," I am being selfish.
There is ALWAYS a friend in need, someone who needs to talk, a project which needs assistance... And then I look around at my family and wonder when is it THEIR turn? Where do they fall on my list of priorities?
I want to be there for my friends... go to dinner, watch their kids, help them with whatever they need or are going through, but at what cost?
The funny thing is that it's a double-edged sword.
I am grateful for having so many friends and I wouldn't want to give up a single one of them; they are all important to me.
But it's almost like they don't know the others exist.
So, one is pouting because I didn't call her this week, but she doesn't know that I have been nurturing another friend who is going through something really rough. Another is mad because I didn't help her with what she needed, but she doesn't realize that I have been giving and giving to someone else that there is just nothing left.
Another friend is growing impatient for us to go to lunch again, but what she doesn't know is that I haven't had lunch (or dinner!) alone with my husband in months.
I don't want to push anyone away, but I feel like God is telling me to make a choice.
And in my heart, I know it's not even a choice.
HE comes first.
Then my family.
I hope my real friends will understand.
There is only so much of me to give.