15 June 2009

Frustrated Rant

I am just about in tears...
Some days, I really do wish I could clone myself.

I know, everyone wishes that sometimes, but lately, it's becoming a constant wish for me... I think that speaks volumes about my life right now and how out-of-control it has become.

I keep hearing Pastor Dino's many warnings against "busy-ness" and Pastor Mike Haman's reminder that God is not impressed with how much we do, and yet, I seem almost powerless to stop it.
Without hurting people, I mean.

People say, "Just learn to say, 'No!'" ...as long as it's not to them.
When I TRY to get control of the chaos -- put my family first, take care of my health, work on the book God has given me to write -- I have to say NO to people I love.
I have had to say no a lot lately.
I just can't keep going at the pace I have been.

I have friends like Carole Turner who seem like Energizer bunnies who can go and go and go. I am constantly in awe of all that she does. I start to feel guilty because I am not giving and doing as much as she does, but the truth is, I just was not designed that way. That's not who I am.

Sometimes, I think, if I ask for some time "off," I am being selfish.
There is ALWAYS a friend in need, someone who needs to talk, a project which needs assistance... And then I look around at my family and wonder when is it THEIR turn? Where do they fall on my list of priorities?

I want to be there for my friends... go to dinner, watch their kids, help them with whatever they need or are going through, but at what cost?

The funny thing is that it's a double-edged sword.

I am grateful for having so many friends and I wouldn't want to give up a single one of them; they are all important to me.
But it's almost like they don't know the others exist.

So, one is pouting because I didn't call her this week, but she doesn't know that I have been nurturing another friend who is going through something really rough. Another is mad because I didn't help her with what she needed, but she doesn't realize that I have been giving and giving to someone else that there is just nothing left.
Another friend is growing impatient for us to go to lunch again, but what she doesn't know is that I haven't had lunch (or dinner!) alone with my husband in months.

I don't want to push anyone away, but I feel like God is telling me to make a choice.
And in my heart, I know it's not even a choice.
HE comes first.
Then my family.
I hope my real friends will understand.
There is only so much of me to give.


GregJrsMom said...

[[[Hugs]]] friend. You are right, your real friends will understand. I see you as the energizer bunny sometimes too, so slow down! You have to take care of you and yours before you have anything to give to others. Remember, you are not other people's rock. Don't take on that burden (sound familiar??).

Anonymous said...

Girl, your real friends will be there on the other side. We love you!

jennifer maggio said...

Yep, I felt very guilty about how much Carole did at one point. Then, I just recognized that her season is not my season, her calling is not my calling. Its an honor to have people look up to you for what you do, Carole (if you see this), but Summer, if you hear that still small voice saying "no", then you have to. Otherwise, you are being disobedient and that feeling of being overwhelmed will not go away. He has our best interest at heart.

Leah said...

A true friend will understand if you have to say "no." If they don't understand, that's their problem and not yours. Don't add guilt to your already busy lifestyle.

Sharon said...

Your true friends will understand. I went through what you are going through when I was helping with a start up church and later doing too much with autism groups. I finally looked around and realized that my husband and kids were always last and that is NOT what God intends!!!!!! I felt guilty at first too but, the last 5 years I have settled into what I feel is balance even if it meant saying no to many things I wanted to say yes to. In time you will get over the guilt because in your heart you will know you are following God's priorities for your life. And guess what - my read friends are still here for me and I for them but, not always in the intense ways we were.

Shawn Wilson said...

Not every need is a calling.

That's something my college pastor told me when I was in college. I've never forgotten it.

By the way when are we going to have lunch?


Just kidding.

I'll be lifting you up.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

Hey Summer,
I know that stuggle you are feeling; it's hard. Too much of a good thing is still TOO MUCH. Remember, whatever is the loudest in your life, is not always the most important. Blessings upon you. Peace & much love!

Glenn said...

Putting God, Clay and your girls first may hack some ppl off, but so what?
Put them first and foremost and don't count the cost. LOVE, GLENN

Dawn said...

I just love you. That's all I wanted to say.

HerstoryGirl said...

Can I just say, how much I love all of you?? You are awesome!

Anonymous said...

At the end of your life the thing that will matter most is: How did your kids turn out/were you there for your family. You can be a great witness to others by being there for your family. Since you're a part of that family, that means some alone time... some time for YOU. That's not selfish; it is necessary.

Love ya,