Where do I begin?
How do you blog about everyday life when you feel like you are bleeding on the inside?
When someone has hurt you -- cut you so deep -- and they don't even care?
These are my thoughts over the past week.
Someone who I love and care about has hurt me... not only me, but my husband and my children as well. And the irony is, they think they are "justified" in doing it.
They are so wound up in their own hatred, and resentment, and bitterness that they cannot see the miracles before their very eyes. They focus only on the negative.
They are choosing misery and that makes me very sad.
The "old me" would have lashed out at them, read them the riot act, told them exactly where they could get off...
The old me was full of so much anger and offense, myself, I would have readily engaged in this twisted dance of drama and attention-seeking behavior.
It truly is a cyclical sickness... offense feeding off of offense, producing more offense.
But that's no longer "me."
I find it most remarkable that in our most stretching moments, God truly does show up and reveal to us the changes He has made -- the changes we have allowed Him to make -- in our lives.
I have been so blessed in my life.
My marriage, while not perfect (what marriage is??), is rock-solid. We are so much closer now than we were when we first said, "I do" almost 19 years ago.
My children are healthy and happy, beautiful and so smart, I am constantly amazed by them!
I have been given this vision for my life and I am working so hard to make it a reality and God has been faithful to me every step of the way.
Faithfulness I don't even deserve.
So, yes, I'm crying on the inside.
And daily, I cry out for God to take this situation and use it for His purpose.
I'm no fool.
I know that the enemy loves to use distractions such as this to keep us from seeing the blessings right before our eyes, and more importantly, to keep us from doing the things we ought.
And I also know that to give in to that distraction is to become full of anger and resentment and bitterness, myself.
This is something I refuse to do.
All I can do now is continue to pray for those who hate me and pray that, even in this, God has something amazing for me.
Please pray for me.
Showing posts with label bitterness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitterness. Show all posts
24 July 2008
16 July 2008
Bittersweet Anniversary
I've been home for nearly a week, but I have been reluctant to post.
This past Sunday (July 13th) was an anniversary of sorts for me. If you want to read the whole story, you can read this post that I wrote last fall.
The "short version" is that while out walking with my family on the night of July 13th, 2005, I was hit and run over (literally) by a drunk driver (he was probably on drugs, too, from what we know about him). He took off after hitting me and thus began nearly 2 long years of pain, anger, and frustration. For me, it was a personal battle that slipped into an angry depression. I gained weight and became very irritable. Nothing made me happy -- not even the miracle that none of us were seriously injured.
I could end the story there and say that this "anniversary" only brings pain, but that simply isn't true. You see, God took something that was awful -- in SO many ways -- and used it for deeper healing in me and greater glory for Him.
One day, while wallowing in my misery and self-pity, I felt a distinct tug at my heart.
It was as if God was saying, "Hey! You have a choice here. You can either choose to remain angry and bitter and hostile or you can choose ME (Him). You can't have it both ways and I can't use you this way."
No, I did not hear an audible voice, but the message I "heard," was loud and clear.
And the choice was unmistakable.
Needless to say (obviously), I chose Him.
The change did not come easily and it didn't happen overnight, but when I look back now, the change in myself is profound.
God has honored my faithfulness to Him with blessings beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has shown me a promise for my future and I have felt His presence in my life in many different ways. I am SO much healthier physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than I EVER was before or after the "accident."
So how can I possibly look on this anniversary with anything less than gratitude and hope?
Who knows?
Maybe someday I will even begin to celebrate July 13th as a birthday of sorts: at any rate, a RE-birth of my personal faith in Christ.
This past Sunday (July 13th) was an anniversary of sorts for me. If you want to read the whole story, you can read this post that I wrote last fall.
The "short version" is that while out walking with my family on the night of July 13th, 2005, I was hit and run over (literally) by a drunk driver (he was probably on drugs, too, from what we know about him). He took off after hitting me and thus began nearly 2 long years of pain, anger, and frustration. For me, it was a personal battle that slipped into an angry depression. I gained weight and became very irritable. Nothing made me happy -- not even the miracle that none of us were seriously injured.
I could end the story there and say that this "anniversary" only brings pain, but that simply isn't true. You see, God took something that was awful -- in SO many ways -- and used it for deeper healing in me and greater glory for Him.
One day, while wallowing in my misery and self-pity, I felt a distinct tug at my heart.
It was as if God was saying, "Hey! You have a choice here. You can either choose to remain angry and bitter and hostile or you can choose ME (Him). You can't have it both ways and I can't use you this way."
No, I did not hear an audible voice, but the message I "heard," was loud and clear.
And the choice was unmistakable.
Needless to say (obviously), I chose Him.
The change did not come easily and it didn't happen overnight, but when I look back now, the change in myself is profound.
God has honored my faithfulness to Him with blessings beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has shown me a promise for my future and I have felt His presence in my life in many different ways. I am SO much healthier physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than I EVER was before or after the "accident."
So how can I possibly look on this anniversary with anything less than gratitude and hope?
Who knows?
Maybe someday I will even begin to celebrate July 13th as a birthday of sorts: at any rate, a RE-birth of my personal faith in Christ.
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