I've been home for nearly a week, but I have been reluctant to post.
This past Sunday (July 13th) was an anniversary of sorts for me. If you want to read the whole story, you can read this post that I wrote last fall.
The "short version" is that while out walking with my family on the night of July 13th, 2005, I was hit and run over (literally) by a drunk driver (he was probably on drugs, too, from what we know about him). He took off after hitting me and thus began nearly 2 long years of pain, anger, and frustration. For me, it was a personal battle that slipped into an angry depression. I gained weight and became very irritable. Nothing made me happy -- not even the miracle that none of us were seriously injured.
I could end the story there and say that this "anniversary" only brings pain, but that simply isn't true. You see, God took something that was awful -- in SO many ways -- and used it for deeper healing in me and greater glory for Him.
One day, while wallowing in my misery and self-pity, I felt a distinct tug at my heart.
It was as if God was saying, "Hey! You have a choice here. You can either choose to remain angry and bitter and hostile or you can choose ME (Him). You can't have it both ways and I can't use you this way."
No, I did not hear an audible voice, but the message I "heard," was loud and clear.
And the choice was unmistakable.
Needless to say (obviously), I chose Him.
The change did not come easily and it didn't happen overnight, but when I look back now, the change in myself is profound.
God has honored my faithfulness to Him with blessings beyond anything I could have ever imagined. He has shown me a promise for my future and I have felt His presence in my life in many different ways. I am SO much healthier physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than I EVER was before or after the "accident."
So how can I possibly look on this anniversary with anything less than gratitude and hope?
Who knows?
Maybe someday I will even begin to celebrate July 13th as a birthday of sorts: at any rate, a RE-birth of my personal faith in Christ.
16 July 2008
07 July 2008
You Can't Ever Go Home
No matter how hard you try.
I'm still in Arkansas visiting family and checking out all the old hangouts. So much has changed, but nothing really has.
I went to my Alma Mater (UCA) and as I strolled beneath the enormous oaks seeking any shade I could find, I almost felt like I was back in grad school... that is, until my middle daughter started grumbling about the heat and "When are we going to leeeavvve???"
I went by Pizza Inn on Oak Street, where I worked for almost 2 years and, in fact, where I met my husband, Clay.
But my former boss Rusty is no longer there (he's at Church's Chicken right down the road!) and the pizza just doesn't taste the same. Checking my blood-sugar and giving myself a shot before I indulge kind of ruins the ambiance, too.
Went by and saw Rusty so he could meet my daughters... he looks great, but the thought intrusively occurred to me that Nadia's not so much younger now than I was when I first went to work. Suddenly, I feel so old!
Spent a day with my high school boyfriend and his wife (how weird is that!) and found that she and I could be best friends if we lived closer. Such a great, Christian couple; I feel blessed to know them!
And as I drove past my old high school, the old neighborhood, and all the places I once called, "home," I realized that it wasn't so much the town that had changed, but rather, I was the one who had changed.
I may resemble the girl I once was; I may even gravitate toward the same locales.
But that girl is no longer.
Inside, I'm not even remotely the same.
The first time I stepped into a strip club,
The first time I held the hand of a homeless mother or prayed with a woman at wit's end,
Every time I hand out a bag of groceries or help a young mother "shop" for clothing at the Dream Center...
All these things have changed me from the inside, out.
Maybe my old friends and family can't see it, but I know it's there and no matter how often I visit, this will never be HOME again.
I'm still in Arkansas visiting family and checking out all the old hangouts. So much has changed, but nothing really has.
I went to my Alma Mater (UCA) and as I strolled beneath the enormous oaks seeking any shade I could find, I almost felt like I was back in grad school... that is, until my middle daughter started grumbling about the heat and "When are we going to leeeavvve???"
I went by Pizza Inn on Oak Street, where I worked for almost 2 years and, in fact, where I met my husband, Clay.
But my former boss Rusty is no longer there (he's at Church's Chicken right down the road!) and the pizza just doesn't taste the same. Checking my blood-sugar and giving myself a shot before I indulge kind of ruins the ambiance, too.
Went by and saw Rusty so he could meet my daughters... he looks great, but the thought intrusively occurred to me that Nadia's not so much younger now than I was when I first went to work. Suddenly, I feel so old!
Spent a day with my high school boyfriend and his wife (how weird is that!) and found that she and I could be best friends if we lived closer. Such a great, Christian couple; I feel blessed to know them!
And as I drove past my old high school, the old neighborhood, and all the places I once called, "home," I realized that it wasn't so much the town that had changed, but rather, I was the one who had changed.
I may resemble the girl I once was; I may even gravitate toward the same locales.
But that girl is no longer.
Inside, I'm not even remotely the same.
The first time I stepped into a strip club,
The first time I held the hand of a homeless mother or prayed with a woman at wit's end,
Every time I hand out a bag of groceries or help a young mother "shop" for clothing at the Dream Center...
All these things have changed me from the inside, out.
Maybe my old friends and family can't see it, but I know it's there and no matter how often I visit, this will never be HOME again.
04 July 2008
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